The Desitin Diaries*

At what point does one start to like their children? I know everyone LOVES their children. It's what keeps them alive. That or the fear of the person in the cell next to you. I want to know when you start to LIKE your children. When you LIKE someone you want to be around them. When does that happen, because today I am not feelin' it.

My twins were sitting up to the counter eating the lunch I had just prepared for them when I sat down to read the news (via Yahoo! of course, because everything happens when I'm on the computer). After a few minutes I noticed them run off to the front living room. I finished the article I was reading and decided to check on them. What did I find? Desitin covered hands caressing the fabric of my formal living room sofa! It was caked on everywhere, complimenting the blue ink treasure map they left me last week. I was so mad. I popped one of them on the head with the now less than full tube. What is it with desitin? Neither of my older girls did this. I grabbed them and took them upstairs to the bathroom to wash their hands. Of course while washing the second pair of hands the clean pair found a bottle of soap and smeared it all over herself. Back to the sink for Thing One. As punishment I had them sit on their beds in for a time out while I went off to clean the sofa. BIG mistake.

Not five minutes of scrubbing had gone by when I heard water running in the tub. I laid down my rag to check it out. Two year-olds in a bathroom by themselves is never a good thing. I discovered naked twins standing in the tub and poop smeared all over the side of the tub! One had taken a messy diaper off, mashed the cow pile into the carpet of their bedroom and they both decided it was time for a bath. I pulled them out and took them back to the bedroom for re diapering, clothing and a good angry tongue lashing.

Once the twins were clean and dressed I abandoned the creamy couch cushions for poopy cut pile nylon. I think everyone can agree that human excrement trumps zinc oxide when prioritizing. I scooped and scrubbed as best I could, all the while beating the dog off as he eyed the mess as a potential bonus snack (and Stuart wonders why I don't let him lick the baby). I scrubbed the fibers until they looked like they were going to unravel from the strain of it. Much to the delight of my canine observer I couldn't get the smell to go away. When I finally gave up and stood to take my cleaning stuff downstairs he promptly sniffed out the area and rolled in it to his hearts content. Ugh.

On my way to the sink to dispose of the dirty water I encountered the twins with a bar of soap and a bowl of water scrubbing, not the desitin covered sofa in the living room, but the perfectly clean couch in the family room. Suds were everywhere! Not just in the living room, but all over the kitchen counters too. What am I suppose to do?! When does it end people? I hear talks all the time about how I'll miss it. I'm just not seeing it. I hadn't finished cleaning the first mess and now I'm presented a third one? In the words of Garfield, ARRRG! I wiped it up and put Thing Two to bed early. Then I made Thing One sit in the corner while I returned to the initial mess in the living room. I couldn't get it clean. I eventually gave up and flipped the cushions over. It looks nice for now. Heaven help them if they color, paint, pee, poop, spill, cut, desitin, etc. the good side.

Here's a tip on fabric choices when living with children: dark green microfiber, good. Dry-clean only, butter yellow brocade, bad. Very, very, bad.

*Apparently this particular adventure is going to be a continuing series. We're slow learners in this house. I guess the previous desitin mishap can be considered a prequel.

January 12, 2009